Sacred Parenting Ch. 7 - "Burning Love"

Intro

A. It's a bit of a clique in Christian circles, but it applies to this chapter - "hate the sin, not the sinner."

• We know ourselves to be sinners, so it ought not to surprise us when our children misbehave as they too are sinners

B. Gary Thomas points out that anger itself is not a sin

• 535 occurrences of "anger" "wrath" or "angry" in the Bible


• 65% of those occurrences refer to the Lord's anger or wrath


• Ps 6:1 - "rebuke me not in Your anger."


• Ps 38:1 - "though You were angry with me."


• We also have the most famous depiction of anger in Jesus' response to the money-changers at the temple who were cheating worshippers out of their money (Matt 21:12)

He "cast" them out; He "overthrew the tables"

This was a physical response

Thomas: God's wrath is often very forceful & passionate

C. We need to be careful when it comes to our own anger - we are not holy and are often not justified in our anger as God is always justified in His anger

• Augustine: "not such a disturbed feeling as exists in the mind of an angry man, but that His (God's) just displeasure against sin


• Gary Thomas says that when he would become angry at his children sometimes he almost didn't recognize himself


• Key: Motivation

Nehemiah - An Example of Righteous Anger

A. Nehemiah became angry when he heard Israelites were taking advantage of other Israelites who were more poor (similar to internet schemes taking advantage of tragedies - Katrina, etc.)

• Nehemiah 5:6-7 - he became righteously angry


• Yet, he "pondered;" paused and thought about the motivation behind his anger


• Key: He subjected his anger to wisdom and rational thinking

Moses - An Example of Unrighteous Anger

• Numbers 20:10 - his anger was a loss of control as he struck the rock and caused water to gush out


• His anger was motivated by his loss of patience at the grumbling of the Israelites in the desert


• He also used the word "we" in pronoucing the water to come out


• As a result Moses was punished and told he would not be able to enter the promised land


• Key: it's NOT unrighteous to punish your children


• Must be for a righteous reason - take time to "ponder" as did Nehemiah

Walking Near the Dark Side

A. Gary Thomas relates the story of a young mother who lashed out in anger by yelling at her infant because the child was constantly crying

• Thomas: "Anger toward babies almost always relates to how we, the parents, are being inconvenienced."


• Ps 37:8 - "Refrain from anger and turn from wrath."


• Eph 4:31 - "Get rid of all anger."


• James 1:19 - "Be slow to become angry."

B. We have two options in dealing with our anger, as Thomas suggests:

1. Become hyper-religious and try to avoid anger altogether (we know how being hyper-religious worked out for the Pharisees)


2. Learn to walk in the field of anger, knowing that sometimes we will err as we learn to express appropriate anger

• There is a time for anger (Eccl. 3:1-9); the key is balance

Relationship Behind the Wound

A. Why does God get angry with His people?

• Because he cares; the stakes (our souls) are so high


• As parents, the greater our emotional involvement, the greater our potential to get angry


• However, acting out of woundedness can get us into all kinds of trouble

B. What's the solution?

• Act in a way that it's all about our children (not us) and THEIR relationship with God


• When we get angry - step back and take inventory (Nehemiah)


• Caveat: handling anger this way is, according to Thomas, is "a fine art crafted out of many and repeated failures."

Where Angels Fear to Tread - Conclusions

A. Thomas warns us not to be performance-driven in our pursuit to control anger

• Anger is like a "toxic substance" - necessary for certain occassions, but you must handle with care

B. 5 Parameters to Follow in Applying Anger

1. Enter into anger reluctantly (James 1:19)


2. Limit our anger - contain anger in its proper season (Eccl. 3:1-9)


3. Govern anger with reason, maturity, & wisdom (I Cor 13)


4. Righteous anger is a double-edged sword - do we get equally upset when we commit the same sins?


5. Love - not wrath - is the ultimate Christian response

Sacred Parenting Ch. 5 - How Raising Children Helps Us Embrace God's Joy

Introduction

A. God rejoices over us - what a blessing!

• 198 occurrences of "rejoice" in Scripture; 165 occurrences of "joy"


• Deut. 30:9; Is. 65:19


• Key: we have in this chapter of Sacred Parenting a picture of God rejoicing in us with our families as the template

B. Sarah Hughes - olympic ice skater; behind in points

• Her brother helps calm her nerves; she skates the routine of her life


• Wins the gold in a great come-from-behind victory


• What about the family behind the scenes?


• Mother had aggressive cancer; multiple treatments; eldest son gave blood platelets to his mother


• There is still joy here: family stayed together (unlike most althetes who leave home at age 10) - picture of the church (Acts 2:42)


• Gary Thomas: "We make sacrifices as parents, but we also reap transcendent joy."

Merry Parents

A. Gary Thomas uses the story of Mary as an example of how we ought to find joy in parenting

• Mary hears the good news that she will give birth to the Messiah


• She give us a song (referred to as "the Magnificat") in Luke 1:46-55


• Mary rejoices in the Lord - there's that word again, "rejoice"


• She also receives the warning from Simeon (Luke 2:35): "Listen carefully...a sword will pierce your own soul as well."


• Thomas makes the point that we have a journey as parents - from heights of joy to depths of pain, but sometimes its just fun being a parent.


• John 15:11 - "I have told you this so that My joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

Prayerful Parents

A. Gary Thomas speaks about how we should pray thankfully for being parents

1. Thank God for our children; they are His gift to us


2. We will be changed as we rely on God for His plans with our children


3. We will be reminded how much God cares for our children


4. We will have a more stable foundation for a relationship with our children

• Thomas: "If our Father in heaven doesn't model His care by showing obessive fear for us and constantly harping over our failures, why should be build our relationships with our children on such a worthless foundation?"

Listening to Little Voices

A. Gary tells the story of how he took off work to spend time playing with his son

• Gary calls these moments of "contentment"


• How much has society, with busy lives, e-mail, cell phones, instant gratification stolen from our contentment?!

B. Thomas: "Families (and marriages) start to breakdown when we stop enjoying each other."

• There is a place for discipline, sacrifice, commitment, and perseverance


• Equally important is enjoyment

Call to Action

1. Have the correct framework for family life - enjoying each other


2. Be thankful parents - prayerful, but not necessarily for change - thankful for the privilege of being a parent


3. Balanced family life - we must work to provide for our families, but not at the expense of our families

Scotty Ward Smith: "To be so preoccupied with the goespel that you ignore your spouse and kids only confirms you're no preoccupied with the gospel."

Gary Thomas: "Sacred Parenting" Chapter 4 (Seizing Heaven Through Listening)


I. Intro
a. The meat of this lesson is in what we take away from it practically and what God tells us throughout our lives and our parenting. Listen.
b. Talkative girl – nonstop
c. Dad’s response is to nod every once in a while and say “uh huh” every couple minutes
d. Like us

i. God has sooo much to say
ii. The typical Christian life, though, is similar to the “uh huh” if we do what the Lord wants without having a loving relationship with him
iii. “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.” (I Cor. 13:1)

II. Practical Help – “Everyone who listens to the Father and learns from him comes to me.” John 6:45
a. Early morning quiet time.
b. Spend time listening

i. To God
ii. To God for your children
iii. To children
iv. In that order

c. Listening to God makes parenting sacred

III. An Inspired Life – “Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know” (Jeremiah 33:3)

a. Not a sin, but a choice to live a powerless life

i. Even though we’re not perfect listeners doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make the effort
ii. Must be humble listeners: Willing to hear God’s corrective word
iii. Don’t listen based on your needs, but on what your children need
iv. Don’t listen based on your needs, but on what God wants to say

IV. Listen for nuances – “Consider carefully how you listen” (Luke 8:18)
a. Children’s speaking

1. Hearing child’s type of cry – Different methods of communication


2. Anger


3. Hitting


4. Joyful dancing


5. Enthusiasm about certain subjects or targets


6. Words


7. What are some ways your children communicate deeper meaning?

• Luke wants to be liked


• Luke loves learning


• Charlie wants to be heard


• Charlie loves music

ii. Our method of listening
1. Silence
2. Nature
3. Music
4. Scripture
5. Prayer

iii. What are some ways you listen to God best?

V. Entering the Interior Castle – “My sheep listen to my voice” (John 10:27)
a. Sit in God’s lap
b. Teresa of Avila
i. Not praying longer and longer

1. Quality and approaching God softly
a. Begin with prayer of meditation
b. Next prayer of recollection
c. Prayer of quiet
d. Prayer of union
e. “Interior Castle” – fullness of spiritual marriage
c. Frank Buchman

i. Moral Rearmament
1. Accept a man’s voice via radio – can’t we accept God’s voice
2. Holy Spirit is most intelligent source of information – “Listen carefully to what I am about to tell you.” Luke 9:44
a. Answer to every problem
b. Teacher

3. Do less and listen more
a. Don’t get so spiritually busy that we can’t have relationship with God – 1 Corinthians 13
ii. Don’t wait for the big decisions, but constantly listen to God
b. God changes languages – “He who forms the mountains, creates the wind and reveals his thoughts to man…the LORD God Almighty is his name.” Amos 4:13

• Scripture speaking to you


• Sight of a tree


• Silence to bring you to your roots


• Art


• Music


• Specific circumstance in life

VI. Challenges
a. Determine your children’s methods of communication
b. Find out how you best listen to God
c. Every day make an effort to listen to his word and his calling and who he is.

Gary Thomas: "Sacred Parenting" Chapter 3 (The Gold Behind the Guilt)

I. Introduction
a. Guilt probably means different things to different people.
b. *Definition of guilt

i. Having committed an offense

ii. Feeling of culpability for offenses

iii. Feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy

c. Guilt is not being pointed to as a feeling to avoid, but one that can be used
d. Our greatest fear in life should not be of failure, but of succeeding at things in life that don’t really matter – Francis Chan

II. What about parenting makes you feel guilty?

a. Not being home enough
b. Being home so much that your children can’t avoid seeing your flaws
c. Lack of quality time
d. Putting your needs above someone else’s you love
e. Having goals or activities that aren’t tied to our children
f. American dream – focusing on the wrong things in our own lives, in our children’s lives or both

III. Thomas reasons why we feel guilty

a. Impossible to get it right

i. Parenting demands skills we don’t yet have
ii. High speed game and you can’t always prepare for it

1. College to NFL – Vince Young
2. Not very many opportunities to “do it over”

iii. Stay at home moms

1. nonstop activity with the kids
2. So easy to do 20 things right and one wrong that sticks out to the children

iv. Working parents are

1. home during a small portion of the waking day of your child
2. balance of doing work well, parenting well and having the right attitude at the right time

b. Parenting Produces guilt by design

IV. Samuel syndrome

a. Read 1 Samuel 8:1-3: 1When Samuel became old, he made his sons judges over Israel. 2The name of his firstborn son was Joel, and the name of his second, Abijah; they were judges in Beersheba. 3Yet his sons did not walk in his ways but turned aside after gain. They took bribes and perverted justice.

b. Take heart

i. Samuel did many things right
ii. Bible doesn’t say he did it wrong as a parent

1. Doesn’t mean trying to be a Godly parent doesn’t matter

a. Eli in 1 Samuel 3:13 – does cast blame
b. 1 Tim. 3:4-5 about serving in the church with poorly disciplined children
c. We feel guilty for who our children become, but role is not to create our children
d. Role is to shepherd our children into those who bear God’s image…not ours

i. Take too much credit for the good and the bad
ii. No one can be a good enough parent four our child to deserve salvation, but also can’t be bad enough to condemn our children
iii. 2 Chronicles 17:3 “The LORD was with Jehoshaphat, because he walked in the earlier ways of his father (Asa’s father) David. He did not seek the Baals, 4but sought the God of his (Asa’s) father and walked in his commandments, and not according to the practices of Israel.”

e. Do you try to make yourself the kind of parent that fills the place of God in your children’s lives? Do you want them to love you the way they should love God? Why or why not?

V. Gold-plated guilt – how can God use Guilt to help us grow?

a. Points us to God

i. Luke 12:48b “….Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.”

1. God is asking a lot from us
ii. Model the need for God

2. Tell children why you are not God (imperfect, just like them) and why you need a savior as much as they do

a. Solemn, dragging, grumpy a couple of weeks ago and just not having a great attitude with Luke
b. Apologized and he was fine. Said, “Thanks for showing me grace Luke even though I don’t deserve it.”
c. Response “Daddy, I will always love you, even when you do things I don’t like.” Praise God!

3. “Guilt shouldn’t be a parking lot, but a carwash.”
b. Guilt can motivate us to do better
i. Look at your own failings with

1. God’s grace in mind
2. God’s provision in mind – we should lean on him, not ourselves

ii. John 8:11 “…Go now and leave your life of sin.”

4. Use it as positive motivation
c. Guilt can remind us of God’s providence
i. Trust God and let some responsibility fall back on him as he is perfect and can handle it
ii. Pray for God to make up for our weaknesses or better for him to raise our children and use us appropriately in the process
d. Teach us to love mercy
i. Micah 6:8 “8 He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly[a] with your God.”

5. (ahab - Hebrew) Love mercy is embrace and have passion for and to live for
ii. James 2:13 “For judgment is without mercy for those who show no mercy. Mercy triumphs over judgment”
6. What our lives are about – the fact that judgment would condemn us all, but mercy is great, more powerful and more wonderful than judgment.
iii. Therefore, we should turn our guilt into an act of worship that God is greater than what we deserve

e. Therefore, this is all a positive hidden agenda
i. To have us turn our children over to the Lord
ii. To have us improve what we do / how we parent and shepherd our children
iii. To remind us that God is greater than us and his hand is in a Godly family
iv. To remind us to worship him
v. Brings us as individuals closer to him and into a better relationship with him

VI. Conclusion
i. Bumbling imperfect messes as we try to be parents that glorify the Lord